Epic Fanmade Rap Battles of History 31
The 31st installment of Epic Fanmade Rap Battles of History. It is an author royale between Lewis Carroll, Ernest Hemingway, Ralph Emerson, Emily Dickinson, F Scott Fitzgerald, Franz Kafka, Agatha Christie, Lord Byron, Stephen King, and Edgar Allan Poe. It was released July 13th, 2013. Cast: Jacob S. as Lewis Carroll, Ralph Emerson, Lord Byron, and Edgar Allan Poe Justin Buckner as Ernest Hemingway and F Scott Fitzgerald Molly Brown as Emily Dickinson and Agatha Christie Ivo Hora as Franz Kafka Nathan Provost as Stephen King Lyrics: 'Lewis Carroll:' I'm Lewis Carroll, writer, photographer, standing above you at over six feet, At the end, I'll write a story and take a photo of you steaming mad in defeat, But i'll slow down so your brain can have some room the think, Are you really that bad of a writer or did you just have one too many drinks? I'm on a rap attack, leaving trails of dead bodies, don't get in my way! You'd have more use in a game of croquet! Your works were so bad, you killed yourself, guess they really were that shitty, I'm the star of the whole world, not just puny Kansas City! 'Ernest Hemingway:' J-j-just f-face it L-Lewis, you're g-going to l-l-lose! If I can survive two plane crashes, I can handle you too! I know you're going to break down and cry if I make fun of your face, But you know, looking like a girl really doesn't help your case! We all want you to stop writing, just listen to the pleas! I'm writing classic after classic while you overdose on LSD! Why we you so alone, huh? Couldn't find a kid to bone? I bet you like to see their dicks 'cause they're the size of your own! 'Ralph Emerson:' Let the American rapping scholar give you a taste of his ways, I'll end your days and then write about it in a series of essays, You two are ugly as hell, but me? I'm hotter than the summer! I mean, it can't be too hard to dis Tweedle-Dumb and Tweedle-Dumber! My son died, but I'm not a pussy, nope, no time for crying, I'm simply write an emotional poem, for this losing is true dying, I'd tell you to worship me, but that shit is so antiquated, I'm a master of lyrical warfare, 'cause frankly, peace is overrated! 'Emily Dickinson:' I might be a solitary girl, but i'm coming out to spit some rhymes, 'Cause, truth is, I've got more balls than the three of you combined! You'll be our latest lost in this battle, you won't survive, My raps have so much life, you could say my verse is alive! And no, I'm not Emily Dick-sucker, so don't even try going there, Your books have been forgotten, and I'm not just memory-impaired! I'm the greatest writer ever, even Shakespeare would approve! Now, let me just mark this down as the day I made you pussies lose! 'F Scott Fitzgerald:' You honestly think you can win? Well you're clearly not that bright! Go back to your closet, girlie, you've got no place in this fight! But Great Gatsby, all your rhymes suck ass and you know it! You three dicks can't write for shit, and Emily's an awful poet! For the love of the last tycoon, just quit trying to rap! I never read such a flawed novel until your books fell in my lap! You all write like Kindergartners, so let me give you some advice, Try dropping dead again, that'll make my Side of Paradise! 'Franz Kafka:' Let the trial begin! The guilty party? Each and everyone of you! Francis? Death by candy bar, is that the best you could do? I tell fascinating stories of alienation and transformation, It takes so long for you all to think of rhymes, it's like a sequel to Contemplation! You're all worthless little cockroaches, stay out of my castle! Now, who else dares to add more fire to this hassle? You five are like Josephine, slowly fading away, now taste defeat! Now that you've all been beat, my metamorphosis is complete! 'Agatha Christie:' If you don't mind, I'm gonna step in and briefly stop the fighting, Why do you all think you can rap? Now that's a mystery worth writing! I'll hang you from the rafters as you scramble to find a solution, And then ask my friend Elizabeth to be a witness to the prosecution! I'm the best selling author of all time, you think you stand a chance? I write books with color while Kafka tries to handle romance! I spit professional rhymes, it sounds like you're on your dry run, First there were no talented rappers here, and then there was one! 'Lord Byron:' Let the Right Honourable Lord Byron dish out some slaps, For me, rapping is a sport, 'cause you know, I invented that! I'm like a British Casanova with novels actually worth reading, I spit rhymes so sick, you'll end up with a fever and endless bleeding! It's time for you all to stop writing, here, hand over your pens! And Miss Christie, you walk in ugliness, go disappear again! My raps are way better than ones you couldn't even receive! I'm the rapping king in romantic bling; I'll just take my crown and leave! 'Stephen King:' I heard my name, I guess it's time to take my place in this bout, I'm the almighty Stephen King, here to add some flow to this drought, Oh Lord George! You think you're so hot like a real life Narcissus, But you're ugly and untalented, don't even make an effort to diss us! And the rest of you, don't even get me started, you'll end in a blast, I'm the only one relevant, you all are just things of the past! And as the battle concludes with King having the last laugh, His enemies retract at the blood-curdling sight of his Dark Half! 'Edgar Allan Poe:' Hold it right there, i'll make this battle darker as my spotlights glow! There's never been such a worthy foe as Edgar Allan Poe! This battle's for good rappers, I believe you've misunderstood, Without my influence, Steve, your books wouldn't be half as good! I invented a whole genre, you can't match my fame! You're embarrassed by your works, that's why you use pen names! I'll rip out your Tell-Tale Hearts, 'cause you're all just un-clever whores, When will we have to hear your shitty rapping? Quoth The Raven, "Nevermore!" Who Won? Lewis Carroll Ernest Hemingway Ralph Emerson Emily Dickinson F Scott Fitzgerald Franz Kafka Agatha Christie Lord Byron Stephen King Edgar Allan Poe Category:Epic Fanmade Rap Battles of History Category:Jacob S. Category:Justin Buckner Category:Molly Brown Category:Ivo Hora Category:Nathan Provost Category:Lewis Carroll Category:Ernest Hemingway Category:Ralph Emerson Category:Emily Dickinson Category:F Scott Fitzgerald Category:Franz Kafka Category:Agatha Christie Category:Lord Byron Category:Stephen King Category:Edgar Allan Poe